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[Nov 19 2009 / 10:45pm] |
you're the dumbest boy of life.
you go and break my heart and then date my friend and then come crawling back when she breaks up with you.
and i have a boyfriend.
and you still make me want more.
I HATE YOU.
so much.
sooo much.
( i don't actually hate you, that is the problem)
i can't see you.. i can't see you.. i can't talk to you... you are totally my soul mate and i hate that you made such a stupid decision.
and i regret it just as much as you do.
but baby the cookie already crumbled.
good luck sticking it back together, it's in so many pieces you stomped that damn cookie in the parking lot and now you want me to just pick it up and love it again well fuck you.
i hate that i love you.
i want to unlove you... so bad.
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| this bottle of stevens awakens ancient feelings |
[Oct 31 2009 / 6:30pm] |
last night i don't know how it happened but i got really drunk, beyond wasted, and it was my own fault.
but i had a random guy in my room and i locked the door.. we didn't do anything.. but i have a boyfriend.
and i fought with one of my best friends in front of everyone.. i was actually rude, and mean
i was out of line and i was a mess and i honsetly don't know why it happened
but i've never felt like such a failure..
my friends are dissapointed in me.
i feel so bad, especially because growing up with my alcoholic stepdad, i said i would never ever hurt someone because of my own selfish consumptions.. and i just did. i'm so dissapointed in myself.
i could do so much better for myself.
i could spend my time doing better things and being a better friend for people.. i'm leaving a lot to be desired in myself lately and i hate it.
so i've decided to give up drinking.. i know it's kinda crazy because it's university, but i don't know what else to do.. i hurt people last night, i almost cheated on my boyfriend who i really like.. i hurt my friends and through that i also really hurt myself.
it's bad for my body, it's bad for my relationships, it's bad for my future dreams and goals..
man i remember being so against drinking in highschool, and then wondering in first year why i hated it so much.. getting wasted was fun..
but now it's not fun anymore.. now i don't want to drink at all.
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| where there's gold |
[Oct 27 2009 / 10:09am] |
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life.
i'm pretty swamped in school stuff.. blahrg. so much to do and then exams.. oh exams.. oh queen's. but then i get a month off :)
i'm really really excited for next weekend! friday nights our halloween party, i hope our house doesn't get a noise complaint but i also hope its nice and loud bahah :) then saturday morning i'm going home and going to benjis baptism rehersal because i'm his godmother :) i can't wait to see my sister and mike and ben i miss them a lot.
ty is coming home in november i'm glad because i miss him.. ughghg. why d oes he live so far away por quee por queee?! and why do i have to like him so much.. i swear last week i started missing him after not talking for 4 days, and now it's been one day and i'm sad.. dear jesus i am becoming one of those relationships... but it's good you know, he's a good guy.
i am really starting to like my music program ( i should be studying for my midterm right now ) and i'm loving piano even though sometimes it seems like i'm practicing for -ever-.. thats university for ya. i'm excited to see gordon lightfoot soon weeooo
my house is lots of fun, work is good minus some kid breaking a wii.. oops lol, maybe this will deter children?!?! ?!?!?... ?!!?? haha some mom was like "you get paid to do your homework eh?" i'm like *bahhah yes*... caught in the act.
anyways i'm going to go make breakfast
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[Oct 21 2009 / 7:42pm] |
i wanna taste the salt of your skin, the soft dive of oblivion
ok so i know this is going to sound insane.. and i know, why am i questioning things when they're going ok
but i think thats the thing.. i finally have this thing that i feel so good about.. someone who the first time, i really just genuinely like, i like who they are, who they want to be, the way they are.. just everything, and they like me the same way.. but that scares me
it scares me because its real and its happening and .. i guess, its just the first time i've actually been in a relationship since keegan.. and so many boys have happened after that, and they've all hurt in there own ways and i had good times too (with some haha)
but this.. is totally different.. and i know how much it hurt when i lost keegan, how i put in so much time and trust, blind trust.. i gave so much trust, but in the end it didn't matter, it didn't matter how much trust i gave, it ended.
and now i'm here in this situation, and yes it's very different.. for one it's someone my friends like ( this is key, as i have learned, as to keep everyone including myself happy) it's someone i actually liked from the get go (i didn't like keegan for a long time.. infact i strongly disliked him) and it's someone who i'm not dating because i have to, or feel pressured.. i just want to.
but it still scares me.. i don't want to get hurt again and i KNOW that's inevitable.. but i just want to know.. i just want to know this is it, i don't want to get hurt again, a nd i don't want to hurt anyone..
is that crazy that i'm feeling this way?
because i don't know him that well really, but i feel like i do.. it's crazy to think we met like.. 4 months ago.. it feels like he's been around forever.. i c an't really imagine my life without him in it, it's better with him in it.
but i'm so afraid of him not being in it.. i'm so apprehensive of the what ifs that i can't determine
i'm so afraid to have blind trust again.. man i gave up so much to be with keegan by the end, and he honestly just turned around and dropped me like it was no big deal.. i mean i'm glad now, but really then.. it hurt so much, it really, really did. i was so alone.
and i don't want to be that again.. ever again.
but i have to trust him if this is going to work.. i have to trust that he feels the way i do.. and you know, i think he does.. but how will i ever really know..
i know that one day i'm probably going to have to deal with a break up again, with heartbreak.. sigh.. i dont want to :(
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[Oct 04 2009 / 9:43am] |
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so i had this dream and now i miss ________ a lot.. i'm not really over it at all, i didn't deal with it at all, just shoved it down and tried to make it better by dating someone else.. but what can i do, lifes a bitch when you love a dickhead.
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[Sep 23 2009 / 7:39pm] |
so tonight i was rambling to my good friend about a problem i had.. and she didn't really respond.
and at first i was frustrated, but thought about it, because she didn't want to give me advice.
then i wondered what a friendship would be if you couldn't get advice..
but i started thinking about it.. and maybe i have a problem telling people when they didn't ask.
i get close to people but in the end you really only have yourself and i think that i can confide in other people and it will all be fine.
but sometimes i look at other people for the reassurance to do whatever i want, when i really should do it on my own.
and i'm not saying this is easy.. to be honest most of my friends have significant others and get all of their advice from them and they are the pillars eachother stands on..
but i don't have that, i only have me. and in a way i think that's a really good thing, but it's hard because i'm looking for reassurance and sometimes.. i have to make the decisions myself.
life is so crazy sometimes.. there's so much going on all the time and so much to think about and i'm just completely flustered all of the time.
i wish i could just be chill about everything but i'm not.
and i wish i had something better to talk about then what i have to talk about.
and i wish i was completely self reliant, but in a world like this.. it is so hard to be alone and be ok.
i've been reading into the wild, and really he just wanted to be detatched.. do you know how hard that is?
i am so attatched to so many people.. i find it hard to not wear my heart on my sleeve... i would consider that my biggest and most apparent flaw. i can't shut up sometimes and i make a big deal out of everything sometimes..
i can't help but think maybe there's something more to this than what all of my friends are doing.. maybe there's more than just the search for a boy and a family and the cookie cutter life?
am i missing something? sometimes i'm so scared i'm crazy .. most of the time i don't think i am.. but it's so hard to tell whats normal.. theres so much going on all the time and i really don't know.
maybe if i just completely submerse myself in something i won't have to deal with all of these questions?
maybe if i lived my life differently i wouldn't be so shallow sometimes.. sometimes everything just gets so shallow and i am so optomistic and happy and i just keep going and going and going.
i honestly just don't know.. i've been so lost lately. you know sometimes it'd be nice just to take a vacation from everything.. i could really use a vacation from everything.
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