the sun came up with no conclusion, flowers sleeping in their beds [03 Jan 2009|01:15am] i usually come here with a reason to write about. i used to write here about my family problems, or my friend problems.. or most recently the trilogy times ten of exrelationship problems. now i'm not really sure exactly what to write because i'm not really upset about anything anymore.. i've been thinking.. what is family? is it like a built in get away free card.. if something goes terribly wrong or if no one likes you, someone is obliged to do something about it? you know i know a lot of people complain about not getting to choose their family.   and i think the real point that is upsetting them is not because they didnt' get to choose but beacuse they're too close and with them too long. in retrospect do we really get to choose our friends?  in middle school and high school, friends are who ever is in your class, in your status, in your range.    you don't go through a list of people and decide who you want.... you take what you can get to survive.   friends become this kind of family, you rely on them to fill out the parts of your life that family no longer fills. i think if you spend too much time with one person, you're bound to become resistant of eachother, or become habitual.   i'm not sure what's better, to be complacant in a relationship with boredom or fall outs.   i'm starting to believe the best types of relationships are ones where you never get too close to know every last detail, but not too far so it's a break up hateful end.   i guess i'm saying the ideal family member is the cousin, or aunt or uncle.   there sometimes, not all the time, and that way they always seem there for you and cool. friends become the family of the real world.   you either build your family or you don't.   i feel like i'm starting to understand family, and understand friendship. relationships?  i'm still wondering the point. not.. that i think love is pointless. i'm just wondering it's significance, it's main purpose to serve rather than subsiding lonliness and boredom. ah, love, you are messy business. i am ready for a new relationship if it comes. i'll be a better girlfriend the second time around if i'm a girlfriend any time soon ( i still would love to be single longer ) atleast that's what i'm hoping. i'm hoping i've learned my faults, my faults in choosing, and what i want from a relationship but right now above all else i finally feel pretty content with my life. i mean there are obvious flaws.  my family can get messy, there's some drama as always, but over all i'm feeling good finally.  i'm going to be ok. post comment

i dreamed you were carried away on the crest of a wave [03 Jan 2009|11:32am] what i find frustrating about my mom this christmas break is her lack of empathy.   like right now, i wasn't going to say anything, but she asked me if i wanted to go to the laundry mat, and i said i would like to because it's frustrating to go back to school with 4 loads of laundry to do while starting a new semester.  what bothered me was that instead of understanding where i'm coming from, she says "it's hard for me too, i didn't know the laundry machine was going to break and now I have so much more to deal with." i want a mom who cares about me, who wants things to be ok for me. but she just doesn't. i'm frustrated that i haven't had any home made meals here.  the only times i've actually had an actual meal was when we went out for dinner or when she ordered in.   we haven't had one meal together. i'm frustrated that she talks about me behind my back, and that it's pretty much impossible not to be unhealthy here because she just doesn't buy proper food. i'm still trying to be calm though. it frustrates me that all she does is complain, she complains that we haven't spent any time with me.   but all she wants to do is knit and sleep.    if you want to spend time with me, plan something for us to do.   you know? it hurts that she would rather spend christmas with her friend from church, 20 years older than her, with her family, then come to our christmas dinner.   but i don't care anymore, because i've come accustomed to it. it's hard when i know she's telling ruth that she hates me and wants me to leave but then comes back and says "you're so beautiful blahblahblah" but the thing is?  that I don't have to live with it anymore so it's not as frustrating.    i know that i'm probably not living here anymore ever, i'll probably get an apartment in Kingston for the summer, live in Kingston, than move on with my life. this is hopefully the longest i'll ever stay in this house again. it's really too bad, but this is just the way it is.   i don't want to pity myself anymore.  i don't want to get angry over it anymore. she's being crazy all the time, but i don't want to analyze it, id on't want to write it down, i don't want to think about it. because i'm not here to look after her.  i'm not her to baby sit her.   i'm not here to help her out of her depression. i'm not a mom. and i'm not trying to be one anymore. i'm not cleaning the house because she doesn't clean. i'm not cooking meals because she doesn't know how to cook. i'm not doing these things anymore. i don't consider this place home anymore. post comment

i'm a put on a show kinda girl [03 Jan 2009|07:42pm] so.. i have a new years resolution. it may seem a little intense, but i'm going to try my best. i want to lose 30 pounds ( ok i'm ready for the doubts )  from now until the end of june that means aproximately 1 pound per week my theory is that i need to go jogging 3 times a week, pushups/situps/bridges/scissors every day inbetween classes and library times and cutting out junky foods altogether:  aka no more veggie burgers, cookies, pizza if i'm in the caf and it feels like there isn't much:  make a veggie wrap, a bagel and fruit cut out juice... water is key... no more fatty breakfasts, go for yogurt and almonds go for the spinach since you love it so muchhhh :) and keep eating grape fruit cause it's yummy pick up fruits for desert.. cut out desert cause it doesn't taste good anyways. just learn to say no. the deal is, the fatty foods bring you instant happiness..  but long term happiness comes from better choices. treat your body like a temple, not a garbage can! no more "tommorow" today is the day. i'm really hoping that i can do this. in the last year i've lost 20 pounds making better choices for myself, but i have definitely slacked on exercise as well. if i could do 20 pounds with minimal workouts and still eating junk every once and a while, what will happen if i straight up go all out? i can do 30. if i lost 30 pounds in 6 months i would be extremely proud of myself! so here's to change!! post comment

[03 Jan 2009|11:08pm] i am happy. i am in love with my friends i visited in oshawa.   i saw sam b, taylor, andrew, sam l, gill, holland, lindsi, megan, sister, mike, pam, candy, my work friends....  it was good to see everyone! i am also really glad to see my friends at school!! i can't wait. i'm so happy and i've never been so happy to be happy. lmao.  i've been under the weather emotionally for so long.. that like... being OVER this is like...  what a relief!!!  it took forever but it's done and i'm finally a happy camper... i can finally say i think i'm going to try my best in school, socialize with different groups,  work harder, have more fun.. start life off! haha i'm excited. post comment

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